Excerpts From the Ship's Log of the 'OSX Tiger IV'

  Dan Shea       September 23, 2007      Weekend Wonk

Excerpts from the ship’s log of the ‘OSX Tiger IV,’ which as recently discovered by sarcastic deep-sea divers/Mac users.

Finder’s Log, 08/20/06

We have finally left port! We have a fine new ship, the OSX Tiger IV, and a stout crew of hardy extensions (all fresh off well earned beta-leave) to man her. As we left the harbor and began to unfurl our untested Intel sails, many souls on deck witnessed a giant Jobsbird feasting on the bloated floating corpse of a Billgull, which is the best omen these salty old captain’s eyes have seen in nigh on twenty years of iSailing! The crew is rightfully optimistic as the sea of portals has treated us favorably all day and the winds continue to be right for streaming.

Those MacNavy engineers have certainly given us a fine vessel in the Tiger IV; she’s a 20" G5-class desktop galleon, streamlined to sail without a tower and the first ever built with Intel Core 2 Duo masts. Her lines are clean, her rigging steady, and her interface as intuitive as a lover’s body. While her holds are vast (more gigs than all of China’s spicy bootleg trade!), her speed and agility rival the fastest sloops in the fabled Linux Armada, and her widescreen display plus Front Row remote is a work of art unto itself. Though my heart still aches for my poor lost G4-class laptop clipper (the OSX Panther III, whose fragmented hard drive lies bricked on the ocean floor for eternity somewhere near her own blue clamshell predecessor, the Jolly Classic IX), I feel swelled with pride while at the helm of this bright white flagship.

Finder’s Log, 11/03/06

Another good day on the intersea; we netted several freeware programs, settled a tribal dispute in a remote and uncivilized chat-room (Aerosmith rocks, yes, but The Stones will always be one album ahead of them, sorry xXbostonBoy69Xx!!), and we were able to establish a P2P trading relationship with the some of the natives along the Limewire island chain. Open trade this far away from the empire is very loose indeed, and while it remains profitable, I find I must be ever vigilant against contraband being smuggled on board. Why, just an hour ago, the officer-on-watch stumbled across a chest of pop-ups and 17 gigs of porn on the Shared deck. I had a hell of a time explaining all THAT to her…

Finder’s Log, 01/30/07

While work on the ship continues at its usual pace, this captain can sense unrest beneath the surface. Perhaps it’s just the monotony of iLife ‘07, but the whole crew seems somewhat sluggish and trudges about in an almost Dell-like manner. When the all-hands-on-deck signal is given in the middle of sleep mode, it takes just a couple seconds longer to man the stations than it used to, and some sailors have even taken to spinning a colored wheel at me before obeying orders. Despite these inevitable ruts, we hold fast and diligently do our piece.

Finder’s Log, 04/12/07

I’ve heard grumbling amongst the crew about the Ghost of MS Office, ActiveX Flash sites, and even the Elder Scrolls games. In order to restore morale, I explained all about the benefits of iWork and the evils of biased software developers and the utter unimportance of computer gaming (though in truth, it’s difficult for me to believe many of these things myself). Sadly, one crew member still suggested that we sail under a WindowsXP flag run up our Intel mast in order to curry favor with the Gatesian gods. Naturally, I keelhauled him. In the crotch. Repeatedly.

I take no pleasure in such disciplinarian actions, but the Tiger IV has fallen into a state of slothful disrepair. Icons bounce extendedly in the dock before launching, useless things called Widgets fill the screen for noreason, and I cantell thatsomebodyspilledMountain Dew onthekeyboardagain,dammit!!

Finder’s Log, 07/25/07

Things have become dire indeed. A grizzled and superstitious old app by the name of Software Update (who claims to have sailed on every boat in the MacNavy since the DOS wars) has undermined the confidence of the entire crew. He’s convinced the men that he has the abilities to complete their programming and speak to the web without a browser, and he constantly preaches change. I fear that I realized too late the popularity he had and thus created a martyr when I made the mistake of simply Quitting him one too many times. Suddenly my entire ship has become insubordinate, port-of-calls we had bookmarked will no longer accept us, the Gnutellans now refuse trade with us, and newly conscripted apps do not mesh well. Rumors have even begun to fly that a new iMac flagship, twice as grand as the Tiger IV and with hardware upgrades to spare, is to be launched soon.

Finder’s Log - Final Entry, 08/17/07

I am a Captain of Full Administrator User Privileges, sworn and logged in at the time of Software Install, and as such I am responsible for all that occurs aboard my iMac. It is for this reason that I saw fit to Force Quit my first mate and several other applications when they Refused To Respond today. This apparently sparked a full scale mutiny involving everyone aboard, from codec to kernel, which brought upon us a System Freeze. I alone chose to hold down the I/O button for five seconds and thus cut the lifelines to the sailors thrown overboard, regardless of any changes so far, and their lost memories will be my punishment forever. Well, in addition to having misplaced the System Restore discs, that is.

Though I expect a full court-martial, I would also accept commission of a new iMac 24" G5 instead, or maybe a Powerbook 17" sloop, or even a MacMini tugboat… you know, whatever my record as a MacCaptain and my credit score can get me.