Apologetic Mac

  Dan Shea       April 27, 2008      Weekend Wonk

MY SOON-TO-BE-EX-COMPUTER SENSES THAT I’VE BEEN SHOPPING AROUND FOR A NEW LAPTOP

To: Dan Shea
From: Serious Mac
Date: 02/14/08
Subject: Why Dan?

Dan,

This is your trusty desktop computer. You know, the big fat white iMac G4 on your desk (whom you’ve neglected to properly name in the last three years, but that’s another story altogether)? I’ve hacked into your Gmail account (well, is it really hacking when I do it?) in order to express a few concerns about some of your recent web browsing, which I not only have to see but make exhaustive records of. You’ll notice that I’ve never once said boo regarding any of the porn or the file sharing or that lame ass kitten picture on the desktop, so please understand that I’m resorting to emergency tactics here in light of what I regard as a serious situation.

Simply put, I do not appreciate all the Google searches for “OSX 10.5 SPECS” and “MACBOOK USER REVIEWS.” I am also bothered by multiple trips to Apple.com, where you almost seem to salivate while reading about the new MacBook Air for hours at a time (did you forget that I, too, have a built in webcam?). And if you ever take us to the Computer section of Craigslist again, I swear to Jobs I will shoot sparks out of my monitor. Are we clear?

Signed,

i(am watching you)Mac G4

To: Dan Shea
From: Apologetic Mac
Date: 02/15/08
Subject: I’m sorry! Please forgive me!

Dear Dan,

It’s me, your iMac again. I am SO SORRY for that last email! I’m afraid I overreacted when I started to feel my age. I mean, we HAVE been together for quite a while, right? But I know we can weather through anything together. Hell, it wasn’t two weeks after you bought me that those Intel Macs came out, but you stuck by me like glue. And when you found out you’d never play another computer game again, you just turned the other cheek and got into solitaire. Plus, who else but you would have purchased a three hundred dollar warranty for no discernible reason? You’ve always been so good to me, and here I am just treating you like a right bitch!

Well, things are gonna change around here, I promise. No more spinning wheel, no more twenty minute start-ups, and absolutely NO CRASHES! I know you don’t believe me, but I swear that if Word freezes up and loses one more of your papers, I will not only personally rewrite it but also go to class and turn it in for you. Mouse on the Bible. Try to find THAT feature on some slutty notebook!

Sorry again,

i(am so ashamed)Mac G4

To: Dan Shea
From: Wrathful Mac
Date: 02/20/08
Subject: WTF?!?!

What, you thought I wouldn’t notice? You assumed that my meager one GHz processor and my puny five hundred megs of RAM could never put two and two together? Oh, let me guess: A computer built before 2007 just shouldn’t have any feelings?!

Yeah, you bastard, I saw you checking eBay’s going rate for used G4s! And what’s more, I have to assume that you knew I was watching. What, do you get a sick thrill out of torturing me or are you just really that callous?

But was that enough? Not for you apparently, because you then went on to search for “USED MACBOOK AIR” in the same trip! Jesus, the balls on you! And since we both know that a sexy new computer that just came on the market three weeks ago isn’t going to be sold used yet, I can safely assume that this too is just a slap in my motherboard. Asshole.

i(hope you die)Mac G4

P.S. Did you notice that your little whore doesn’t even have a built-in disc drive? So if this is about burning DVDs, you can both go to hell.

To: Dan Shea
From: Lonely Mac
Date: 02/23/08
Subject: Come home baby!

Dearest Dan,

Okay, I get it; I messed up. I had no right to fly off the handle like that. We both know I’ve been a bit emotional as of late and I’m sorry I keep taking it out on you, but please stop with the silent treatment. I can see that you’ve been checking your email from the library’s IP address, so I know you’re still out there.

I can control myself. If you feel the urge to look at pictures of skinny little laptops from time to time, I understand. Hell, sometimes I fantasize about what it would be like to run Adobe Photoshop, but that doesn’t mean I’m leaving you for a photographer! So just sit back down at the desk, hit any key to boot me up from sleep, and let’s have some make-up interfacing! And baby, you can turn off ALL the filters tonight…

Longingly,

i(need you)Mac G4

To: Dan Shea
From: …
Date: 02/29/08
Subject: …

You sick SOB! I can’t believe you would actually sit there – at OUR desk! – and use ME to order that MacBook hussy! Every keystroke like a dagger in my heart, every click towards checkout like a knife in my back! I hope she gives you a trojan horse that makes your hard disk bleed, I really do.

Hoping you rot in hell,

i(have been cheating on you since the beginning)Mac G4

P.S. If you’re looking for your personal information and your Led Zeppelin CD and every password you’ve ever entered, I threw them outside on the internet.